Passive aggression in relationships. Signs of passive aggression

It is often difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we are reluctant to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.

What does the term “passive-aggressive” behavior actually mean? And why is it so difficult to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they fear conflict, and their anger turns into other, more passive forms.

10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Your Relationship for the Better

For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, turning them all pink.

Or Jeff gets angry at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he “forgets” to mail invoices, and as a result, the boss receives a late fee.

Because we are often unaware that we are behaving passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop the behavior– even when it does not lead to the desired results.

We are passive-aggressive when we express anger or hostility indirectly rather than directly.

Passive-aggressive behavior creates a vicious circle:

Anger simmers latently, accumulating under the surface, so that the problems that caused it are not resolved, and this causes us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.

When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or say a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.

One of the most insidious consequences of such behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is the victim of a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic.

2. Form clear agreements with your partner.

Specific agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of them.

3. Notice your own anger.

Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry and yell and scream back so they can move the needle to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expressing their own anger and irritation because they don't want to stir up conflict.

Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.

4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Stick to the facts and express your opinions clearly. Make your partner clearly aware of the consequences of their behavior.

5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.

If you ask someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.

Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the outcome does not meet expectations.

6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.

This will keep you from being tempted to take responsibility just because you can't wait any longer, thereby engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.

7. Take responsibility for what depends on you and reject the rest.

Take responsibility for errors that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. An apology is only worth anything if you don't continue the same behavior.

Resist the pressure to take responsibility for everything– this puts the onus on you to fix it.

8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.

Be clear about the things that matter to you, and make them clear so that your partner understands it.

9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on understanding your own anger and expressing it directly.

Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.

10. Agree that you both are responsible for the common chores, household chores, conversations and sex in the relationship.

Take the time to negotiate these agreements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often not a conscious choice.
People who react this way are usually unaware of their hurt and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I don't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. This is a trait of my character."
They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published.

By Lori Beth Bisbey

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

PHOTO Getty Images

Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club you can easily hear: “You see, I was unlucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor...” This expression is often used without having an exact idea of ​​what is hidden behind it. The term itself was proposed during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refused to obey orders: rather than openly rebelling against them, they procrastinated, grumbled, and acted ineffectively, that is, they engaged in passive sabotage.

Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual mental disorders, compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then they were removed from it in 1994, during the publication of the fourth edition: their clinical description seemed not clear enough to the compilers.

In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, and passive-aggressive disorders has increased

Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually penetrated into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. “In Freud’s time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsessions,” says psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix. “In our era of narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in addiction, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”

Disguised Resistance

This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is characteristic of any one personality type. We all tend to behave this way at some points in our lives, point out psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord 1 . For example, in adolescence or when faced with unfavorable circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we disagree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to protect ourselves and survive.

But there are also those among us for whom disguised insubordination becomes the only way communicate.“It is difficult for them to enter into confrontation openly, since open aggression, defending themselves, does not fit into the image of the “correct” person that they think of themselves as,” notes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. - Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - love, social life, at work, among friends... This makes communicating with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity when faced with life’s difficulties greatly complicates relationships,” confirms Marie-Josée Lacroix. Added to the inertia is the suppressed anger that others feel and which ultimately becomes unbearable.

We all tend to behave passive-aggressively at some times in our lives.

“When Maria started working, we were happy. She seemed soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her responsibilities included scheduling meetings, distributing mail, and making appointments. At first everything went well. In face-to-face conversation, Maria answered “yes” to all directions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back to her, she eloquently rolled her eyes. When they asked her for anything, she acted deliberately slowly, complained about everything, and scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and calm her down - in vain. She was eventually fired.

She went to court, tried to pose as a victim, asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her care was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we were all scoundrels. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was “ruined” bad people"and that no one ever protects her from the injustices of which she constantly becomes a victim." Telling this story, Lyudmila, an accountant at an event management company, feels vaguely guilty, but concludes: “Although it’s terrible to say so, I was relieved when Maria left. I had the impression when communicating with her that I could say and do anything, but it would not change anything.”

Is it possible to defend yourself?

Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how to avoid becoming a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.

At work

What to do: You can only tolerate a passive-aggressive boss if you don't need encouragement at all. If the tasks are not set clearly enough and if, no matter what you do, you are always unhappy with it, then the best solution would be to leave: everyone needs at least a minimum of recognition. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not letting him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don't let yourself be pulled into a triangle. Don't try to save him and don't attack him when he complains. Don't act like a victim because he is always unhappy and never speaks up positive ratings. This will not help you and you will be at risk of falling into a vicious cycle.

In private life

What to do: Calm him down. The passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel like he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in dark thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Don't let someone who feels entitled to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others make you a victim. Don't pretend not to notice anything: his anger will increase tenfold. Don't scold him as a parent would - this is what serves as a “trigger” for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.

Chronic dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive individuals are always unhappy because they cannot define their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. – Their characteristic chronic sabotage of work, and often own life, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle of “took revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot.”

Passive aggression can be considered a type of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical overtone. Then it gives way to violent sadistic acting out (“you’re all bad yourself”) or bodily reactions, withdrawal into illness.”

When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty.

When communicating with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty, because they will turn any words against the “offender”. Anyone who happens to be nearby must avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle, described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. – If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other, in most cases, begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter into a game where there are no winners.”

Martyrdom and torture

Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-Josée Lacroix. “And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other.”

At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, harassing others, complaining, and addressing them with unspoken reproaches. They may derive pleasure from the suffering they cause. Their apparent passivity and inertia, complete concentration on themselves, hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrollable manner. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely mundane to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction they are wreaking around.

They lack a “psychic container” that would help them regulate their behavior

“Passive aggression is often the result of upbringing, when a child is taught to depend on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, explains Marie-Josée Lacroix. “A form of masochism may have arisen when a child was unable to express his or her needs, to exercise independence, to discover who he (or she) is because he or she was confronted by a suppressive, perfectionist parent...”

Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a “psychic container.” It is being built with early childhood with the help of the mother's words. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, the mother talks to him and calms him down. She helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain the emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child a certain shell that protects him from external environment, potentially aggressive and alarming.

Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some are deprived of it. This shell seems to be broken for them,” continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they silently scream: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unquenched because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.

1 In the book “How to Deal with Difficult People” (Generation, 2007).

Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.

For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.

Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.

Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?

Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.

Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!

Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.

Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.

Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?

• In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
• In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
• Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.

The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).

Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.

Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.

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Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is actions that express anger, but look to the person himself as unintentional mistakes. Usually passive-aggressive behavior is people who, due to their beliefs or upbringing, cannot express anger at another person or refuse him something. .

An example of passive-aggressive behavior: a parent asks a child to clean the floors, but the child does not want to do it. He can’t refuse, so he washes the floors, but it’s so bad that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to ensure that the parents no longer ask the child to clean the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry about something for his parents, so it gives him special pleasure to watch the parent get angry and wash the floors himself.

One more example. The girl is angry with her young man for the fact that he does not propose marriage to her, but cannot express his anger, since he believes that a girl should not impose herself. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy really values ​​order, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is to him.

If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger, or takes revenge on purpose, he will feel a strong sense of guilt because he believes that doing so is wrong. However, if he does something bad not intentionally, but accidentally, then they rarely get angry at him in return, because it is not his fault. When there is a ban on the expression of negative emotions, they still manifest themselves in behavior in one way or another: either in irritated intonation or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.

What are passive-aggressive behaviors? One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors is to forget something important to another person, such as buying something that the other person cannot eat without, or forgetting papers that are important to that person. Constantly being 20-40 minutes late, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.

The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to get back at another person for something, most often for one's inability to say “no” when that person asks for something. The passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant for himself, unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and watches how the other person is upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.

The second goal is to get away with revenge yourself. If we commit actions that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their dissatisfaction, reciprocal anger, or refusal of some action we need. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually not viewed by others as intentional, and therefore results in avoidance of immediate retribution, although the relationship gradually deteriorates as the other person still becomes angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.

If you are communicating with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with him, then I advise you to ensure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When something in another person's behavior angers you, express your irritation and insist that the behavior stop; say that it doesn’t matter to you whether the person does this accidentally or on purpose.

You cannot force another person to act differently, but you can help them understand the purpose of such actions. Most often, in this case, a person will stop doing this if his relationship with you is important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.

Find and reveal the reasons for passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: “It seems to me that you didn’t want to do this for me, but you didn’t tell me no, and now you forgot this and thus took revenge on me.” Usually unconscious manipulations cannot be carried out further if the person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. This awareness can happen if you repeatedly connect something that may have upset the person and something that he “accidentally” did.

Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which expressions of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the negative remarks of the opponent is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it is possible to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.

The main feature of a passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. He has a lot of resentment, anger, aggression, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they don’t want, what doesn’t suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, and wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem like a good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything – he’s a godsend in general! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?

1. They don't say no

To say directly, to your face, that he doesn’t like something, that he doesn’t want to and won’t do it, oh no, a passive aggressor will never dare to do that. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but doesn’t do it. He will “forget” about the deadline, “will not have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really simply did not want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just so as not to go to the theater with you.

2. They sabotage

If at work a passive aggressive person is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and delays until the last moment. Instead of honestly saying, “I’m having problems with this project and I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency as best they can - in the hope that everything will somehow solve itself and the task will be passed on to someone else.

3. They avoid direct confrontation.

Even when feeling hurt to the core, a passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel...”

4. They suppress anger

In their picture of the world, any disagreement, dissatisfaction, anger or resentment is better to be swept under the rug, rather than brought out. More than anything else, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens to those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestations of feelings, as well as to those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly swore, and even attacked each other with their fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives negative experiences even a little freedom, a monster will burst out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all living things around.

5. They won't admit how they really feel.

It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy a good relationship (or rather than appear angry). In a couple, the passive aggressor will never be the first to say that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he answers: “Nothing,” “Everything is fine,” “I’m great.” But his voice from a mile away demonstrates that everything is not at all okay or great. You are trying to figure it out, have a heart-to-heart talk, but it didn’t work out: it’s as silent as in a tank.

6. They play the silent game

When angry, such a partner does not explode, but withdraws and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can remain silent for hours, days, weeks. Doesn't answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, that you offended him in some way. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your incorrigible guilt? Look what you want - everyone can do it! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated torture they will not tell you or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would it be better if they beat you? No, you can't wait!

7. They provoke you to anger.

And avoidance of open adult dialogue, and games of silence, and the favorite “Do as you know, you don’t care anyway...” - all this sooner or later brings you to the point of white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, gotcha! This is exactly what the passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted from you (most likely, unconsciously - at least something to justify him). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can rightfully consider you bad, angry, unrestrained... Actually, he thought so. Well, of course, he didn’t expect anything else from you. He, of course, hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle... In general, having provoked you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem in full, but for himself will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible, uncontrollable element, it must be restrained with all one’s strength, and building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, it’s dangerous.

8. They manipulate

Passive aggressors constantly press their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying “no.” And if they need something, they follow complex, roundabout paths. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, make heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a strangulated hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.

9. They do bad things behind your back

They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly treated, instead of direct confrontation they choose secret methods of revenge - spreading a nasty rumor about someone, sending an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.

10. They pass the buck

As is easy to see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like he is the master of his fate; he constantly blames life, circumstances, and other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all your loved one's misfortunes. Everything counts: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, you did not guess why he was offended, you gave him unsuccessful advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply the fact that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it was one of your parents) ruined this life completely.