What does true love mean? True love is not what it's cracked up to be.

There is no more popular theme in television and film than love. Soap operas are full of "romantic love." This theme is also popular in songs. We are constantly haunted by the idea that love is the only thing that matters.

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Most people think about romantic love something like this: “Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes out of nowhere and immediately takes over you completely, like measles. You will recognize it intuitively. If it is a real feeling, you will not have to wonder for long. You will see it, without a doubt "Love is so important that you must give up everything for the sake of it. It is excusable for a man to leave his wife for the sake of love, for a woman it is excusable to leave his house and children, for a king - it comes completely unexpectedly, and you cannot do anything about it."

But this is NOT true love! Real love not like that.

Infatuation really comes out of the blue and you can't do anything about it. But true love is devoted and selfless love. This is what she is holding on to. You might be wondering why you need to know the difference between infatuation and love? The reason is this: knowing the differences will prevent you from making a huge mistake. Every year, millions of sparkling-eyed couples come to church and solemnly vow to love each other for the rest of their lives. For some of them, marriage truly becomes an invaluable acquisition. For others, he is simply tolerable. But for half of these couples, marriage becomes a real disaster. After a short period of time, they begin to understand that they absolutely cannot stand living together. What's the matter?

The difference is that some couples base their marriage on true love, while others base their marriage on infatuation, which is false love. Such marriages do not last long.

How can you tell the difference? During the Gold Rush, many prospectors thought they had "struck a vein." But later, to their great disappointment, they found out that their find was not real gold, but the worthless mineral pyrite. Pyrite is very similar in appearance to gold, but has no value. It is also called "fool's gold".

As we said before, it is NOT easy to tell the difference between infatuation and true love. In his book "Sex, love or infatuation - how to determine it?" Dr. Ray Short gives some key tips to help a person explore their feelings and determine whether they are true love gold or fool's gold - mere infatuation.

We'll look at 12 of these keys, but first let us point out the following: (1) The order of the keys does not matter. Each of them has the same meaning as the others. (2) These keys should not be selectively accepted. You have to take all 12 into account!

Key #1 What attracts you most.

Enthusiasm: When you're infatuated, you're more likely to be more interested in the other person's physical attributes. Beautiful face and a good figure are, of course, very attractive qualities, but appearances can be deceiving. It is like the wrapping paper in which a gift is wrapped. It cannot be used to judge what exactly is inside. Moreover, physical beauty is not eternal. Dr. Short says: "Of the dozen school meetings I attended as a young man, I remember only one. 'Young people!' - the speaker said solemnly. “Before you marry a girl because of her pretty face and attractive curves, think about what she will look like at 30.” And that stopped me” ?

Real love: If your love is genuine, you will be interested in the personality of your chosen one as a whole. Surely, physical attraction will also be present in your feelings, but only along with many other qualities that are attractive to you.

Key #2 How many different qualities attract you to this person?

Enthusiasm: Usually the number of such qualities is small, but they can greatly influence you. A guy can go crazy with his girlfriend's smiles or sexy walk.

Real love: When you truly love, you like all or most of the qualities in another person. Each of us has many characteristic features, your judgments and attitudes How many characteristics do you notice in another, and how many of them do you find attractive? This is important because once the initial excitement of marriage wears off, you will need many common interests to keep the marriage going and make it successful.

Key #3 How did it start?

Enthusiasm: Infatuation arises quickly. There is no such thing as true love at first sight, but there can be infatuation at first sight. As one love song says, “the eyes of the lovers met in the crowd, lightning flashed, and they immediately realized that they were made for each other.” In reality, they could only understand what they had done to each other. good first impression.

Real love: True love always comes slowly. Otherwise it can not be. You have to get to know a person before you can really love them, and that takes time, a lot of time, to really get to know someone. Long-term courtship is much better than short-term courtship. A year is better than six months, two years is better than one, three years is better than two, and four is better than three. Three years? Four? Yes, the statistics on this subject are absolutely clear. But most young couples do not want to wait even a year. They are in a hurry to get married and own experience They are convinced of the truth of the old saying: “If you hurry, you will make people laugh.” If you get married too hastily, you will have plenty of time later to regret it.

Key #4 How consistent is your interest?

Enthusiasm: When you're passionate, your interest flares up and then fades away. One reason for this is that infatuation occurs too quickly and therefore the roots are not deep. And in general, your relationship is superficial.

Real love: When you truly love, your feelings will be warm and tender rather than fluctuating from ardent passion to cold indifference, they will be more constant. True love grows slowly, but its roots run deep.

Key #5 How does feeling affect you?

Enthusiasm: Infatuation has a disorganizing effect on your personality. Makes you less responsible and efficient. Romantic feelings take over you completely, and you walk around, immersed in dreams. The girl who says, "I know he has flaws, but nothing matters except our love" is infatuated... TEMPORARILY! Once married, she will eventually discover that many other things still matter.

Real love: If your love is genuine, your best qualities and you strive to become even better. A guy who really loves says about his girlfriend: “I love her not only because she is so beautiful, but also because she inspires me to show my best qualities.”

Key #6 How do you treat others?

Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, for you the whole “universe” revolves around one person. The rest of your relationships seem completely unimportant to you. You are even ready to reject family and friends. Your feeling becomes the most important thing in your life. It is the only thing that matters to you from now on. You think that for the sake of this amazing “love” that has entered your life, you can be forgiven for doing any actions. As we've said before, most hobbies don't last, but the mistakes you make while under the influence often have lifelong consequences.

Real love: When you truly love, your beloved person is the most important person in the world for you, but relationships with family and friends do not lose their importance.

Key #7 How do others view your relationship?

Enthusiasm: What others think of your “lover” is a very important test. When you're in love, it's likely that your parents and many of your friends won't approve of the relationship. One of the dangerous aspects of infatuation is that you tend to idolize the other person. You don't see flaws because you are "blinded by love." Your friends try to point out some red flags, but you ignore them. Your parents lovingly warn you, trying to prevent you from making a big mistake, but you don't listen. Young people sometimes say: “So what? We’re marrying each other, not our family and friends.” You can also adhere to this position, but it is unforgivable stupidity to neglect the advice of people who love you. Over the years of your life, both you and your loved one have developed a certain circle of friends. We all strive to be like those we choose as friends; they become like us. Therefore, your friends are, in a sense, your “mirror”. If you're passionate about someone, your friends often don't share the same feelings. If they see red flags, you should pay attention and listen to their opinion.

Real love: When you truly love, there is a greater chance that your parents and most of your friends will approve of your choice. For God to bless your marriage, the consent and approval of your parents is very important.

Key No. 8 How do breakups affect?

Enthusiasm: One of the best tests for feeling is the test of distance. If you are simply infatuated, then time and distance will kill your feeling, “This also explains the breakups of those couples whose main interest was physical attractiveness. Over time, another living person nearby will replace the beloved, who remains only in the photograph.

Real love: When you truly love, the absence of your loved one only exacerbates your feeling. True love will definitely stand the test of distance and time. It is based not only on the physical attractiveness of a person, it accepts him entirely as a person. Time spent together helps you grow together. Therefore, during separation, you seem to lose your part. Another person, even a very attractive one, cannot fill the emptiness in your heart. Being at a distance, of course, you may experience anxiety and sadness. You will be worried about the thought: “What if he (or she) meets someone else?” And this can happen. But if your loved one is capable of finding happiness with someone else, then it is better to find out about this before, rather than after, marriage. Therefore, if you are facing separation, accept it and do not worry. If your feeling is only infatuation, and it will not withstand such a test, it is better to find out before it is too late.

Key #9 How do disagreements affect feelings?

Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, you often quarrel. You can make peace, but over time, quarrels become more frequent and serious. You become like. two porcupines in the cold. When they are apart, they shake from the cold, but as soon as they press against each other, they prick each other with their needles. “Phil and Alice dated for more than two years. During this time, they quarreled and made up at least once a month. Discord arose over any trifle or imaginary offense. Both acted out terrible jealousy. And then Maria, best friend Alice tried to open their eyes. One day, Alice shared with her the details of the last quarrel and threatened: “Let him just try to get me back! I won’t even talk to him!” “I think you will, Alice,” Maria said to her gently, “but I hope that you will firmly tell him: “Goodbye, Phil, it’s all over.” And then she explained her position to her surprised friend: “You both awaken in each other the worst. You fight because you have nothing else to talk about. Strife, tears and romantic “reconciliations” only relieve you of boredom.

Real love: When you truly love, you may have disagreements, but true love survives them, and quarrels become less frequent and serious. Every couple must learn to resolve conflicts. It is much better to discuss differences openly and honestly than to let them fester in the back of your mind.

Key #10 How do you view your relationships?

Enthusiasm: When you are infatuated, you tend to think of yourself and your loved one as two people, and accordingly use pronouns in your thoughts and speech: “I”, “me”, “mine”, “he”, “his”, or "she", "her". You think of you as two separate individuals.

Real love: When you really love, you usually use the words: “we”, “our”, “us”. You think of you as one. This key doesn't seem that important while you're just dating, but it has great value married. When a marriage is based on passion, husband and wife may find more pleasure in pursuing different interests than in joint activities. The husband may yearn and want to “go out with friends” more than spending time at home with his family. Or the wife will become more interested in her social connections than in her household responsibilities. In families where true love exists, husband and wife enjoy doing things together. A common response here is: "I don't want to go if you can't go too."

Key #11 Are you selfish or selfless?

Enthusiasm: When you are infatuated, your interest in the other person is mainly selfish. A guy can date a beautiful and noticeable girl only because it flatters his pride and raises his prestige. She may be capricious and spoiled, but since she is the "queen" of the school, he becomes the "king" next to her. In the same way, a girl can keep a guy “on a leash” not because she is really interested in him, but because his devotion raises her value in the eyes of others.

Real love: When you really love, you like a person for what he is, and not because he can help you assert yourself.

Key #12 What is the basis of your feelings?

Enthusiasm: Is your goal to find someone who will completely dedicate their life to making you happy? Do you take care of yourself first? If yes, then you are just infatuated. Your general attitude is selfish - you care most about what you can get from this relationship.

Real love: Love is selfless and devoted. You strive to do whatever it takes to bring joy to others. You are primarily interested in what you can give, not what you can receive.

* * *

Evaluate your feeling. Take a sheet of paper and carefully study the keys, starting with the first one. Give an assessment of your feelings for each of them. If you want, the keys can show not only whether your love is real, but also a certain degree of your feeling. In most cases, the clues show a mixture of infatuation and true love. Therefore, rate each key on a ten-point scale. Zero will mean infatuation, and 10 will mean love. For example, when looking at clue #1, you might decide, “To be completely honest, I was mainly interested in physical attractiveness, so I'll give myself two points.” If, when examining key No. 7, you see that approximately half of your friends approve of your choice, and half do not, then give yourself five points. When you rate yourself on all twelve keys, add up your points. An overall score of 80 or higher shows that your senses are fairly reliable. For your part, you can believe that your love can become the basis for a successful marriage. But that's only on your part.

The person you love must also take this test and score a large number of points. Love must be mutual. No matter how much you love this person, one-sided love will not help. He should experience the same feelings in return. If you score between 50 and 80 points, you will need more time to see how your relationship develops. If the points scored are less than 50, you are just carried away. So try to keep your heart. First of all, do not complicate your relationship with sexual intimacy and do not rush into marriage.

Also note the following: A high score on this test does not necessarily mean that you are ready for marriage. First of all, you may still be too young for marriage, even if you have scored a lot of points. Secondly, even if you are the right age, you may simply not know each other well yet. As we have already said, you need to know each other well for at least two years before you think about marriage.

In this article we will try to understand what the concept of true love includes. I was once asked the question: “What is love?” Tens of thousands of smarter people puzzled over this question and devoted their lives to it. And you ask me. Of course, I don’t have a definite answer, I don’t know what true love is.
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov said on this topic: “I see how you frown in order to tell me what true love is, but I myself knew perfectly well until I fell in love.”

Love is essentially a feeling that makes a person important to us. We invest our energy in this person. But you can experience love for any object! For example, some girls really love diamonds and are ready to enter into a relationship for the sake of reward in the form of expensive stones. And some men, in turn, are glad to have a beautiful, well-groomed girlfriend with them. But at the same time, neither partner is interested in the inner world of the other, in spiritual development.

What is true love and what does it consist of?

True love, in my opinion, is something that immediately changes everything, and you understand that this is your person, and he can change your tastes. You always thought that you even visually liked one type, but it turned out that this person is not at all similar to this image.

It seems to me that with true love you stop choosing. It's not an internal decision because I've heard the idea that you have to internally decide to stop choosing. But, in my opinion, it happens somehow naturally, because you stop comparing this person with everyone else. Compared to others, he always wins for you. You just stop doing it. In my opinion, this is a characteristic of the truth of love.

And the main thing is what is most important to you great pleasure in life brings joy to that person. When you do something not because you want to dedicate your life to him, but simply because for you the greatest joy in life is when this person is truly happy. You yourself are not so happy. The joys of oneself fade into the background, because this is an experience on a much deeper level, when this person is truly happy thanks to you, your actions. This is actually a very selfish (in a good sense of the word) “I do for him, but for myself” approach. These are the three things that I can notice at the “now” point, looking at this feeling.

True love is not an all-consuming passion, it is a deep and deliberate feeling.

...The sense of one’s “I” as a separate person disappears; in the inner world and external affairs, the husband and wife feel like only part of some common whole...

There cannot be deep and sincere love where selfishness rules. Perfect love is perfect self-denial.

From the diary of the holy martyr and passion-bearer Queen Alexandra about the meaning of family and family life

Signs of true love

So what is true, true love? What are its manifestations? Let's turn to the Bible. The essence of true love is revealed by the Apostle Paul in his famous hymn, in the First Epistle to the Corinthians.

“...In perfect love there is no fear, but perfect love casts out fear, because in fear there is torment; he who fears is imperfect in love. Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, although prophecy will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished. And now these three remain: faith, hope, love, but love is the greatest of these.”

It is difficult to add anything to what has been said, but you can highlight individual points and consider them in more detail.

"Love never ends". Eternity can be called a very important feature of true love. Everything that cannot be eternal has no right to be called love. What disappears from a relationship? Passion, love. After their extinction, at best, emptiness, indifference, sometimes bright memories arise, at worst, negative painful emotions: hatred, despair.

If love is truly true, then a marriage built on this foundation should be eternal. Ideally, spouses remain faithful throughout their lives, even after their death. Of course, not everyone, having been widowed, can no longer marry, therefore, in the church, re-wedding is allowed as an indulgence for our weakness. “It would be better for you not to get married again, but if you cannot bear this feat, then get married,” says the Church.

And there is no doubt that the unity of souls that occurs between spouses during life, if the spouses truly love, will also take place after death, since the eternity of love extends not only to earthly life, but crosses the border of death.

You can give an example from the life of Xenia of St. Petersburg.

She was widowed when she was twenty-six years old and had no children. The unexpected death of her beloved husband struck Ksenia Grigorievna so much that it turned all her ideas about the earthly world and human happiness upside down. She perceived her husband’s departure into another world as her own death.

The life of the ascetic reports that she did not enter into a new marriage and voluntarily took upon herself the feat of foolishness for Christ’s sake. People thought she was crazy; in fact, her actions were filled with deep spiritual meaning. Having abandoned her former name, Ksenia appropriated the name of her late husband and wore his suit. The blessed one assured that it was Ksenia who died, and willingly responded if she was called Andrei Fedorovich. Thus, with her imaginary madness, she exposed the madness of this world, including a frivolous attitude towards marital intimacy and fidelity.

* * *

“Love does not seek its own.” That is, a person loves another for nothing, in contrast to falling in love, when they often love for something and because: he is strong, handsome, smart, wealthy, etc. True love is unconditional love. How to understand this? Let's remember our parents or children. If you ask: “Why do we love them?” - then it’s difficult to answer this question, since individual characteristics, of course, are not a reason for unconditional love.

We love both parents and children only because they exist, as they are. In a marriage with true love, spouses love each other only because this person is your half (regardless of appearance, financial situation, etc.).

Sometimes there are married couples where the husband or wife is far from handsome, but what a reverent, tender relationship, what care for each other! As priest Ilya Shugaev figuratively notes: “A person’s appearance is cloudy glass. From a distance you only see the glass itself, but you cannot see what is behind it. But when you press against such glass, you see only what is behind the glass, but you no longer see the glass itself.”

In this regard, one can recall the famous fairy tale “The Scarlet Flower”. The youngest merchant's daughter fell in love with the ugly monster for his love and kindness towards her. Love for an invisible friend helped the girl overcome fear and disgust for his visible image. Ugliness, ugly appearance - all this was conquered by love. Appearance receded into the background. As a result, a transformation took place: the “beast of the forest” became a young prince, “a handsome man, with a royal crown on his head.”

“Love is patient,” and indeed, patience and overcoming all kinds of difficulties and obstacles are the central characteristics of mature, true love.

In fairy tales and legends, the theme of marriage and love is closely connected with the theme of trials and difficulties that spouses have to overcome. This is a typical ending folk tales: having gone through fire, water and copper pipes, overcoming and atoning for their mistakes, he and she find each other, find, as they used to say, their “betrothed.”

Interesting word "betrothed". It expresses faith: it was destined to meet the chosen one. And when two people meet, they get to know each other. Often people look for each other, as in the famous fairy tale: “Go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what.” But they immediately understand when that fateful meeting occurs.

I remember one situation.

Oksana and Stepan, having already been together for several years in a happy, prosperous marriage, never ceased to be surprised, remembering their first meeting. The future spouses met unexpectedly: Oksana was late for work and stopped a passing car driven by Stepan. As both later admitted to each other, they immediately realized that a real meeting had taken place. By what signs? It's difficult to explain in words. Both felt that their hearts seemed to turn over in their chests and then began to beat faster, words were not required. Further life confirmed the truth of the first feelings, which grew into true love.

* * *

The real life of spouses is filled with all sorts of trials, overcoming which the two truly become “one flesh.” In this regard, I recall another example described by the Orthodox author Marina Kravtsova.

Natasha and Alexey got married early, right after school. At the age of twenty they already had two children. Twins were born, Irochka and Larisa. Everything was going great. She had her own apartment, Alexey worked, Natasha enjoyed doing household chores. And then something terrible happened: Alexei was hit by a car. And the young handsome man lay bedridden. And, what is much worse, he was sentenced to lifelong infirmity and real estate. The tragedy that unfolded in the family did not break Natasha. Not a single day did she doubt that she would stay with her husband. Although everyone who knew her - friends, former teachers - insisted that sooner or later she would have to arrange her destiny as a woman.

Understand,” they said kindly, “you are still a girl, and he is a cripple.” Is this really how your youth will pass? Look at you, you’re a beauty, everyone on the street is staring at you.

It was true. Natasha is very pretty. And not only the face is beautiful, but the soul is also beautiful.

“I once made my choice,” she said abruptly. And not a single “well-wisher” dared to open his mouth. For eight years, Natasha selflessly looked after Lesha. The girls grew up. She worked, hardly met any of her friends, she simply had no time. And most importantly, Natasha did not trust the doctors who treated Alexei. She was constantly trying to find a specialist who could put her loved one back on his feet. And I found it. The way she believed in her husband’s healing, the way she selflessly and devotedly served the family could not be in vain. Alexey stood up. He feels like a full-fledged person. And, of course, this is the merit of Natasha, a woman who knows how to love.

* * *

Love "has mercy" - in other words, it forgives everything. Indeed, forgiveness is one of the main signs of true love. We are all different, with our own character traits, habits, and passions. And often you don’t like everything about the soup. How you sometimes want to start reshaping, remaking your husband or wife. After all, it seems that just a little more and he (or she) will understand everything and begin to behave better, change. However, if this does not happen, how often do we experience resentment and anger: “After all, I tried so hard for him!”

In this regard, it is worth recalling the situation described by the holy elder Paisius of Svyatogorets.

The young man, who lived a worldly life, began to develop feelings for a girl who lived a spiritual life. In order for the girl to reciprocate his feelings, he also tried to lead a spiritual life and go to church. They merried. But years passed, and he returned to his former worldly life. They already had adult children. But, despite everything, this man continued to live dissolutely. He earned a lot of money, but spent almost all of it on his depraved life. The frugality of the unfortunate wife kept their household from collapse, and with her advice she helped the children stay on the right path. She did not condemn her husband, so that the children would not begin to dislike him and would not receive mental trauma, and also so that they would not be carried away by the lifestyle that he led. When her husband came home late at night, it was relatively easy for her to justify him to the children: she said that he had a lot of work. But what could she say when, in broad daylight, he showed up at the house with his mistress?... He called his wife and ordered various dishes, and in the afternoon he came to dine with one of his mistresses. The unfortunate mother, wanting to protect her children from bad thoughts, received them cordially. She presented the matter in such a way that her husband’s mistress was supposedly her friend and her husband stopped by this “friend’s” home to bring her to visit them by car. She sent the children to other rooms to learn their lessons so that they would not see some indecent scene, because her husband, not paying attention to the children, allowed himself to be obscene even in front of them. This was repeated day after day. Every now and then he came with a new mistress. It got to the point that the children began to ask her: “Mom, how many friends do you have?” “Oh, these are just old acquaintances!” - she answered. And besides, her husband treated her like a servant, and even worse. He treated her very cruelly and inhumanely. The nightmare lasted for several years. One day this man was racing in a car and fell into the abyss. The car crashed, and he himself received very serious injuries. He was taken to the hospital. And the doctors, having done what they could, sent him home. He became a cripple. None of his mistresses even visited him because big money he no longer had it, and his face was mutilated. However, his wife carefully looked after him, without reminding him of anything from his prodigal life. He was shocked and it changed him spiritually. He sincerely repented, asked to invite a priest to him, confessed, lived for several years as a Christian, having inner peace, and rested in the Lord. After his death, his eldest son took his place in the business and supported the family. The children of this man lived very harmoniously because they inherited good principles from their mother. In order to save the family from disintegration, and her children from bitter sadness, she drank their bitter cups herself.

* * *

“Love endures everything.” True love is sacrificial. How to understand this? Sacrifice is the ability to put your interests on the back burner for the sake of another, even when they seem so important. This is an opportunity to give up something valuable for yourself for the sake of your neighbor. There can be many options. In this regard, the following example comes to mind.

Oksana and Nikolai got married while still at the institute. She is a promising future children's doctor, he is a scientist. Everyone around them considered them a brilliant couple with great career prospects. But life has placed other accents. The first child, a girl, who appeared in the family, completely turned Oksana’s plans upside down. She did not expect that so much attention would be required for the baby. All strength, all care was directed towards her. In addition, the overwhelming economic affairs took all my energy. There was nowhere to wait for help. The husband was forced to give up his scientific career and took on almost any job if it provided at least some money.

The girl grew up, Oksana was finally able to get her favorite job. Having just felt professionally in demand, she realized that she was expecting a second child. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the management of the institution where Oksana worked was going to send her to an expensive internship in her specialty, which would open up great prospects in the future. What to do? Nikolai was adamant: “We will have a child,” he snapped. Oksana was forced to come to terms. A boy was born It is difficult to convey what Oksana had to go through, finding herself with two babies in her arms. My husband was practically never at home, trying to find income. Diseases, education, kindergarten, studies, additional education, music school... Oksana had to give up her dreams of a career.

Of course, this is a very serious self-sacrifice for the sake of children. But life also consists of everyday, seemingly small concessions, and sometimes loving people give each other the most precious thing they have.

* * *

An excellent example of sacrifice was described by the famous author O. Henry in his story “The Gift of the Magi.”

“One dollar eighty-seven cents. That was all... And tomorrow is Christmas. The only thing that could be done here was to plop down on the old couch and cry. That's exactly what Della did... Della stopped crying and brushed her puff over her cheeks. She now stood at the window and looked sadly at gray cat walking along a gray fence along a gray yard... She suddenly jumped away from the window and rushed to the mirror. Her eyes sparkled, but the color drained from her face in twenty seconds. With a quick movement, she pulled out the pins and let her hair down.

It must be said that the Jung couple had two treasures that were the subject of their pride. One is Jim's gold watch that belonged to his father and grandfather, the other is Della's hair...

And then Della’s beautiful hair fell out, shining and shimmering, like the streams of a chestnut waterfall. They went down below the knees and covered almost the entire figure with a cloak. But she immediately, nervously and in a hurry, began to pick them up again. Then, as if hesitating, she stood motionless for a minute, and two or three tears fell onto the shabby red carpet.

An old brown jacket on her shoulders, an old brown hat on her head - and, throwing up her skirts, sparkling with dry sparkles in her eyes, she was already rushing down to the street.

The sign she stopped at read: "Hair Products of All Kinds."

Would you buy my hair? - she asked madam.

“I’m buying hair,” madam answered. - Take off your hat, we need to look at the goods. The chestnut waterfall flowed again.

Twenty dollars,” said Madame, habitually weighing the thick mass in her hand.

The next two hours flew by on pink wings... Finally she found it. Without a doubt, it was created for Jim, only for him. It was a platinum chain for a pocket watch, a simple and strict design...

At home, Della's excitement subsided and gave way to forethought and calculation. She took out her curling iron, turned on the gas and began to repair the destruction caused by generosity combined with love... Jim stood motionless at the door, like a setter scenting a quail. His eyes settled on Del with an expression that she could not understand, and she became scared... He just looked at her, without taking his eyes off, and his face did not change its strange expression...

Have you cut your hair? - Jim asked with tension, as if, despite the increased work of his brain, he still could not comprehend this fact... Jim took a package from his coat pocket and threw it on the table.

Don't get me wrong, Dell,” he said. - No hairstyle or haircut can make me stop loving my girl. But unwrap this package, and then you will understand why I was a little taken aback at first.

Quick, nimble fingers tore at the string and paper. A cry of delight followed, and immediately - alas! - in a purely feminine way, was replaced by a stream of tears and groans, so that it was necessary to immediately use all the sedatives at the disposal of the owner of the house. For on the table lay combs, the same set of combs - one back and two side ones - which Della had long admired reverently in a Broadway window. Wonderful combs, real tortoiseshell, with shiny stones embedded in the edges, and just the color of her brown hair.

Then she jumped up like a scalded kitten and exclaimed. After all, Jim had not yet seen her wonderful gift. She hastily handed him the chain on her open palm. The matte precious metal seemed to sparkle in the rays of her wild and sincere joy...

“Dell,” Jim said, “we’ll have to hide our gifts for now, let them lie there for a while.” They are too good for us now. I sold my watch to buy you combs. And now, perhaps, it’s time to fry the cutlets.”

* * *

So, a wonderful story of young sacrifice loving people who gave the most precious things they had to please each other. And this, probably, is true love, which is the most valuable gift that you can give to each other.

What else is characteristic of true love?

Real, true love has a sense of self-renewal. If a marriage is built on initially correct spiritual foundations, then the moment of meeting (as the experience of a constantly renewed feeling) is always present for the spouses. It happens that spouses spend most of their time together: they work together, they relax together, they are happy and sad together. And, most importantly, they do not get tired of each other, but, on the contrary, more and more discover new facets, new features in each other. Why is this happening?

In true love, a person reveals himself and helps his loved one to open up. If sensual pleasures and passion inevitably lead to satiety, then mature love is not satiated - a loved one does not get bored: love reveals in each other the image of God, which is inexhaustible and unknowable. Such love, through all the masks, character traits, habits, and bodily shell, sees the true spiritual face of the beloved. And often in their declining years, husband and wife seem to find themselves again, but at a new level of relationship.

True love includes caring for another. Caring is a manifestation of the ability to give, not bound by considerations of profit and self-interest. Psychologist and philosopher I. Yalom identifies the following characteristics of true care:

Detachment from conscious attention to oneself, not thinking about: what will he think of me? What's in it for me? Do not seek praise, admiration, sexual release, power, money;

Caring is active. Mature love loves, but is not loved. We are lovingly giving, not attracted to another;

Mature care flows from a person's wealth, not from his poverty, from growth, not from need. A person loves not because he needs another, not in order to exist, to escape from loneliness, but because he cannot do otherwise;

Mature caring does not go unrewarded. Through care, a person receives care. The reward follows, but it cannot be pursued.

True love involves respect for the personality of another . Respect is the recognition of the right of a spouse to have his own choice, his own individual view, even if it seems to us unreasonable and incorrect. Sometimes this is very difficult to do. However, it is very important not to try to squeeze your spouse into the Procrustean bed of your own ideas, attitudes, points of view, even, it would seem, with the best intentions. This, of course, is not good for the relationship. In this regard, we recall the example described by the holy elder Paisius the Svyatogorets.

“Once, while living in the Stomion monastery, I met a woman in the Cavalry whose face was shining. She was the mother of five children. Her husband was a carpenter... If customers made some trifling remark to this man... then he would definitely fly off the chain. “Are you going to teach me?!” - he shouted, broke his tools, threw them into the corner and left. Can you now imagine what he was doing in own home, if he destroyed everything in other people’s houses! It was impossible to live with this man for a single day, and his wife lived with him for years. Every day she endured torment, but she treated everything with great kindness and covered everything with patience... “After all, this is my husband,” she thought, “well, let him scold me a little. Maybe, if I were in his place, I would behave in the same way.” This woman applied the Gospel in her life, and therefore God sent down His Divine Grace to her.”

But how often do we act differently! We are trying to remake, re-educate, reshape the spouse, we are engaged in exhortations, persuasion, we give continuous advice, thereby constantly violating the freedom of the individual and its sovereignty. What's the end result? “Good” intentions, as a rule, end in a quarrel, a conflict, and this is quite understandable: a loved one does not want to “re-educate”, and begins to resist completely legitimately. Probably, more often we need to remember the words spoken by Ambrose of Optina: “Know yourself, and that’s enough for you.”

One more example can be given.

The couple (Irina and Vyacheslav) lived in a well-wedded marriage, as they say, soul to soul. There was agreement on all the main issues: values, faith, outlook on life, interests... Everything was fine, except that the husband could not get rid of the harmful, almost forty-year-old habit of smoking. This became a stumbling block in the relationship between the spouses. Irina, with good intentions, decided: “I will do everything to ensure that he gets rid of his addiction. After all, this is harmful to health and an Orthodox person has no right to such weakness.” The situation was complicated by the fact that Vyacheslav did not make the same decision for himself.

The wife began to decisively “eradicate” her husband’s shortcomings: persuasion, explanation of the harm of nicotine, threats... But everything developed according to the same scenario. Calm Vyacheslav patiently and for a long time endured all Irina’s admonitions, but after some time he exploded and attacked his wife with anger. The relationship has reached a dead end. What should I do? Irina could not find an answer to this question. With this problem she went to her spiritual mentor, hoping to receive recommendations for the re-education of Vyacheslav. But everything turned out differently. Laughing at his unsuccessful attempts to reason with his husband, the spiritual father said: “But you knew who you were marrying, why do you think that you can change an adult?” He continued: “You have lost sight of the most important thing. It is impossible for a woman to change masculine nature. All your admonitions are perceived by Vyacheslav as attempts to interfere with his freedom, in his personality, therefore, in response to good persuasion, resistance and irritation arise. Humble yourself and love your husband for who he is. And God will put everything in its place.”

Irina had something to think about - she did not expect such an answer, but she firmly decided to do as her spiritual father said. Imagine the woman’s surprise when she discovered that after the “admonitions” stopped, family relationships changed dramatically for the better. The long-forgotten peace and tranquility returned, and the husband began to show care and concern.

* * *

The prototype of love without reservations and conditions is the love of the Lord Jesus Christ for humanity, Who initially loves everyone, despite our deep sinful distortion and imperfection. Proof of this great love- the death of the Savior, who gave his life for the deliverance of man from eternal death. What other examples are needed! All that remains is just “a little” - to learn to love your neighbor so as not to think: “Well, let him first correct himself, take the right path, and then I will love him, unconditionally, for real!”

That's the whole point: you need to love a person as he is now, with all his advantages and disadvantages. And then love will melt, transform, reveal all the best, all the most beautiful in the other; you just need to wait patiently and love. After all, we throw an apple seed into the ground and do not come back to collect the harvest a month later, but for many years we patiently care for the tree, and only then do we wait for the fruit. The fruits of love also do not appear immediately; the human soul is much more complex than a plant. And not every tree survives; many die. And more than half of families fall apart, bearing no fruit except abandoned children and twisted souls. Priest Ilya Shugaev compares marriage to two stones, sharp and hard. As long as they don’t touch each other, then everything seems fine, no one is hurting anyone, but put them in a bag and shake them hard and long!..

In this case, two options are possible: either the stones are hewn and no longer hurt each other, or not, and then the bag breaks and the stones fly out of it. The bag is a family, a marriage. And either the spouses get used to it through small self-sacrifices, or they scatter at each other in anger. A huge number of divorces occur in the first two to three years life together. People don’t understand that there was no love yet, but only falling in love. You still had to fight for love. And simply none of the spouses wanted to get rid of their sharp edges. Then a new marriage is possible, and there the same thing continues as in the first. The man mistakenly believes that he again got a bad wife, and the wife thinks that she was unlucky with her husband. In fact, both do not want to remove the “log” from their eye and build a truly mature and loving relationship.

So, we have listed the main signs of true love. As Abbot Georgy (Shestun) notes, “...a person strives to achieve full-fledged love all his life. It is a gift of God given by grace. And to achieve such love, you need to earn it: you need to acquire grace and keep it. And most importantly, you need to live to see love, you need to earn it. And if this happens, then after a few years the husband looks at his wife, and the wife at her husband, and he thinks: “What a blessing that I married her.” And she thinks: “What a blessing that I married him.” Understanding that this chosen one is the only one, it is impossible to imagine another person nearby - this is love. But it comes when the ship of family life has overcome many storms and has survived despite everything.”

Love spiritual, emotional, physical

In a true, mature relationship, all three levels of love are present: spiritual, mental and physical. . The spiritual side of love is manifested by mercy, forgiveness of offenses, humility, and sacrifice. Sincerity in love is emotional involvement, sensitivity, attention, and the ability to resolve conflicts. The physical side of love is manifested by tenderness, affection, and harmonious sexual relationships.

These facets in marriage mutually complement and enrich the relationship. IN Holy Scripture It is said that Adam came to know his wife in a new way three times.

The first time was when he first saw his wife, created from his flesh, and for the first time confessed his love to her. He said, “Behold, this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” and he gave her the first name “woman.” This is first, perfect, spiritual love, when a person in love sees another person, it is another person, but at the same time, it is myself. ".. Loving wife loves himself."...

The second time Adam knew his wife was after the Fall, when both fell, but the wife fell first... Adam needed to forgive his wife and reconcile with her. And he again gives her a name - Eve (Life), “for she became the mother of all living.” And this love is the love of reconciliation, forgiveness - spiritual love.

The third time “Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived...” and gave birth, and continued to conceive and bear children. This is the third type of love - procreative, physical love.

Just as one kind of love appears after another, so it fades away one after another, but in reverse order. The first thing in a couple’s life to fade and subside is physical love. It subsides not because it is not good, but because it is fulfilled. It subsides, but does not disappear. What remains from her is tenderness, memory of soul and body.

If people have lived together for a long time and well, then the second love - forgiveness and reconciliation - also subsides. Why? The husband and wife have long since forgiven each other everything, even for the future, and are ready to accept the other with all his illnesses, oddities, and character traits. Second love subsides, but does not disappear. She leaves endless patience.

First love, spiritual, never subsides. While people live on earth, the husband looks at his wife: “You are bone of my bone, you are flesh of my flesh.” This is how the real embodiment of love in marriage gradually occurs. The Lord opens a person’s inner eyes of his heart and helps him to see the image of God in his beloved. This image turns out to be so beautiful that even visible flaws fade into the background and are not noticed.

Love requires a lot of work and patience, but its fruits pay off handsomely. According to the Christian philosopher C. Lewis, when a person “truly learns to love his neighbor as himself, he will be given the power to love himself as his neighbor.”

To be continued...

E.A. Morozova Psychologist. From the book “Harmony in Family and Marriage”

True love is a magical and enchanting feeling. How to guess that a relationship that is emerging or lasting for some time is true? How to recognize love for life, hold it, preserve it and not let it go, no matter what happens? This question interests many readers, because at the initial stage of relationship development it is so easy to confuse love, passion and even lust with a subtle sublime feeling.

There are several distinctive features, indicating sincere love. In our next publication we will introduce readers to the main manifestations of this sublime feeling.

Love does not force you to look for yourself in another person

Very often we want to fall in love only because we are in the process of finding ourselves. We are desperately searching soul mates and we easily manage to fall in love, as if by magic. It's like we give our brain the command to fall in love and dissolve in a person with a similar worldview. But such feelings are always short-term. If we are not aware of this, it means that we may soon be severely disappointed.

True love does not require your chosen one to have similar interests or complete imitation. This feeling will never force you to look for yourself in another person.

You won't find true feelings until you love yourself.

Only harmony with yourself, with your inner self, can, like a magnet, attract the feelings of another person. Surely each of us will remember a time when loved ones consoled us at a time when our hearts were broken. And all the words of consolation were spoken correctly then. You were abandoned not because you were unworthy, it was just the way the circumstances turned out. You were abandoned, which means those feelings were not real. Love yourself, and you will definitely find harmony and happiness in a new relationship.

Love doesn't require anything

A person tries with all his might to find love, it just so happens. We are confident that a sincere feeling will bring happiness, help us cope with any adversity, and make us cleaner and stronger. And how easy it is to distinguish true love from all-consuming love for a short time. Remember, true love will never require you to lose weight, play sports, get up to generally accepted standards, or reconsider your social circle. Sincere feelings never require anything, even in return, because they are selfless. Therefore, those people who are truly happy are those who accept their partners as they are, without conditions or ultimatums.

Love allows you to be yourself

Dear ladies, how often are you embarrassed to appear in front of your chosen one in the morning without makeup? For some reason, you are sure that he will like you much less if you are unkempt and unwashed. You don’t want to let your loved one get close to you when you have a cold, embarrassed by your reddened eyes. You run to the bathroom to brush your teeth in the morning at the moment when your lover tries to kiss you. And if your partner demonstrates to you with all his nature that your naturalness is important to him, then he really loves you.

True love is not used to asking questions

Do you find yourself thinking about the future of your couple or asking yourself too many questions about your chosen one and the right choice? Then you haven't met your soulmate yet. This union is most likely just an episode in your life. True love always comes naturally, and it will never ask the question, “Is this the right person for me?”

To receive, you must learn to give

Remember that real relationships cannot afford restraint in feelings, much less use as a bargaining chip. It is very important to appreciate and accept a partner with all his shortcomings. What will happen if for every trifle and for every slightest wrong step, a cold reception awaits your partner? And why repeat words of love to your soul mate as a tribute for good deeds. A loved one is not a child; he does not need to be raised.

True love will not stop if a person suddenly falls ill, loses his acquired fortune, or commits some kind of offense. True feeling is unconditional. Giving your chosen one unselfish love, you can always count on reciprocity. Remember that by giving, a person always gains much more.

Love is based on friendship

Remember how at the beginning of the publication we touched on the topic of finding yourself in another person. That's right, love should not look for similar interests, but very often it is based on friendship. Remember that many happy couples have known each other since school and, as they say, managed to “eat more than a pound of salt with each other” before they realized that a magical feeling had overtaken them. Remember that physical, sizzling passion is short-lived. What will you talk about with your partner when the spark fades? You will simply lose interest in him, but the friendship will remain forever.