Divorce from my husband after 30 years of marriage. Divorce after a long marriage
The 30th wedding anniversary is called pearl. Pearls are a unique gift from nature. It takes several decades to create it. Pearls grow from a tiny imperceptible grain of sand, and over the years they become larger, stronger, more perfect.
The same thing happens with the conjugal relationship. For thirty years of marriage, people become relatives to each other, stick to each other with hearts and souls, as if they form a single whole. Bad for one and therefore bad for the second. One is happy, and therefore the soul of the second is light.
The relationship of the spouses who have passed three decades together is strong and pure, like real natural pearls.
But sometimes in some family something happens that crosses out all the years of marriage, everything that was good between the spouses, everything that connected them. And then the woman, barely moving her gray lips and hiding her eyes, whispers to family or friends that her husband left after thirty years of marriage. How could he leave? How could this happen in their family? How to live now?
How does it work?
Leo Tolstoy more than a century and a half ago convinced readers that all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way. Looking at the women's forum, you can find a lot of evidence of this.
Women write that just for no apparent reason, their gray-haired and aged husband announced that he was leaving. And this is after 30 years of marriage, when it seemed that no storms and no shocks could already shake the foundations of this family.
The stories of husbands leaving after the pearl wedding anniversary or on the eve of it on women's forums are different and at the same time similar. There was a family, children grew up, grandchildren were born, the spouses achieved success in the professional field and probably retired. The house, as they say, is a full bowl. What else is needed in order to live the years of maturity, and then old age, together, taking care of each other? All abandoned women thought so. But, as is usually the case, the feminine point of view did not coincide with the masculine one.
Separation after 30 years of marriage through the eyes of a woman and a man
Men look at the same things as women, but they see them differently. This is what leads to a misunderstanding of the reasons for the quarrels, discord and divorce of families "with experience."
The wife sees that her marriage lasts 30 years and is proud that she managed to save her family, to lead her between the dangerous reefs of problems, about which many families of their relatives and friends have crashed. The husband sees that he has been living with one woman for three decades and he will hardly be able to rebuild his life. This does not mean that a man is not happy with his marriage, but he is genetically experiencing a craving for the new and unknown. Without this craving, ancient man would not have reached the highest stage of development.
The woman sees that her children have grown up, have become independent adults, she is proud of their successes and hopes that they will support her in old age, as she supported them for many years of their formation. The man sees that his daughter, his little princess has become a grown woman, got married and now her chosen one occupies in her heart perhaps the most important place that her father once occupied. He sees that his son now does not need his help, does not depend on him, but on the contrary in some way even patronizes his aging father.
A woman sees that her grandchildren are growing up, rejoices at the first tooth, the first step and this famous "first time in first grade". The man sees that he is already a grandfather. Not a young, strong and full of health and energy man, but a grandfather who has several years of active maturity ahead of him, and then old age.
A woman sees that she is respected at work, that her word has weight for colleagues, that she has not achieved something and she is respected and appreciated for it. A man sees that he has reached the "ceiling", that he has neither the strength, nor health, nor time to step higher, which means that he will have to be content with what has been achieved.
The woman sees that her retirement gives her the opportunity to plant flowers in the country, do handicrafts, babysit her grandchildren, and have a dog that she had no time for before. The man sees that he will have years of measured retirement life and, at the end, disappear into oblivion.
And what a woman sees as the pinnacle of her labors is seen by a man as a comfortable prison for that gallant guy as he remembers himself.
Hence the desperate male actions, including the divorce from his wife.
Why do men leave
One of the most common arguments of a man is a lack of understanding in his relationship with his wife. The spouses have become so accustomed to each other over the years that they may simply not notice the changes that have occurred in the views and tastes of the second half. It seems to them that nothing can change anymore. And they live not so much according to their real needs as out of habit, out of inertia.
Maxim Meister has a wonderful parable on this score. He wrote about a couple who have lived together for 30 years. For all 30 years, my wife baked every morning a fluffy bun with an oily crust at the bottom and a fluffy soft top. She cut the bun lengthwise, took the ruddy lower part, which she did not really like, and gave her beloved upper - soft and tender - to her husband. On the day of their thirtieth wedding anniversary, she thought that for so many years she had wanted to eat her favorite part of the bun, but she always gave it to her husband. After all, he will not be offended or upset on their wedding day if she takes the top of the bun for herself. Therefore, in violation of the thirty-year tradition, the wife put a ruddy bottom on her husband's plate, and the soft top of a bun on her plate. Her husband said with emotion that he was very grateful to her for this gift. After all, for all 30 years, every morning he wanted to ask for an oily bottom of the bun, but he did not dare, because he was sure that his wife also loved the bottom of the bun.
Of course, the story about the bun is symbolic, but in fact, in many families for many years, people never know what their soulmate loves, what they are happy about, what makes them upset. And it's very easy to find out. You just have to ask. But not everyone dares to ask such a question. However, if you do not know anything about your spouse, then you do not understand him. This is an axiom of family life.
Another argument is boredom and monotony in family life. What the wife perceives as an indicator of a well-ordered life, the husband sees as a swamp, dragging him deeper and deeper. Women are comfortable in a static state, they are not big fans of change. Men, on the other hand, need dynamics, new impressions, fresh emotions, so life together needs to be colored.
After 30 years of marriage, they usually do not leave because of problems in their sex life. Even in the most temperamental man, desire decreases with age. Husbands can cheat on their wives, but leaving for a mistress is not typical for those who celebrated a pearl anniversary. But if the lover, in addition to sexual needs, also satisfies gastronomic, spiritual, romantic, aesthetic, hedonistic, etc. needs of a man, he will destroy his marriage and go to her.
It is important to understand that marriage is not just a social institution, but a joint venture in which you need to invest strength, energy, feelings and other resources.
What should a wife do if her husband left 30 years after the wedding
Although every woman claims that her husband left unexpectedly, in fact, the alarm bells rang many times, they just went unnoticed.
Every married woman needs to ask herself questions from time to time:
- Is the psychological climate in our house healthy,
- Have we created an atmosphere of warmth and comfort,
- How long have you spent time together - not silently in front of the TV, but together, on a walk, in your favorite cafe, on a pleasure boat, in a theater.
It never happens that everything is fine and suddenly - once! - and the husband left. The ground for his departure had been preparing for a long time, and something acted as a catalyst.
Such a catalyst can be a conversation with a recently divorced friend (someone else's example gives determination in many situations), an acquaintance with a woman who demonstrates friendliness and is capable of empathy (comparing a new acquaintance with his wife may not be in favor of his wife), another scandal with his wife with threats of divorce (sooner or later the threat ceases to be a threat and becomes a guide to action).
Hippocrates long ago noted that any disease is much easier to prevent than to cure. This rule applies perfectly to marriage. Divorce is much easier to prevent than to survive.
But if this has already happened, and the husband has left, the woman needs to work out a strategy for herself on how to live on and how to cope with stress.
- Take care of yourself. Precisely by yourself, and not to switch to children, grandchildren, work. A person never gets so much return as when he invests in himself. What does it mean to take care of yourself? Firstly, go to the hairdresser, which in itself is an excellent remedy for a bad mood. Secondly, buy a new thing, even if the budget is very modest. A new scarf or new gloves will do the trick. Then you need to find time for something that was never enough for him: for a book club, for a trip out of town, for gatherings with old friends.
- Make a home relocation or renovation. After her husband leaves, a woman becomes different and is unlikely to become the same herself. This means that the situation around her must also change. If funds do not allow, then it will be enough to rearrange the furniture, transfer indoor flowers to another window sill, buy bright towels, napkins, potholders, rugs for the kitchen and bathroom. If there is no shortage of money, then you can start a full-scale repair.
- Improve your health. Stress always negatively affects your health, and divorce is a lot of stress, which means its negative impact is great. It's time to undergo medical examination and get or buy a ticket to the sanatorium. Meeting new people will benefit the soul, while procedures and massages will benefit the body.
What you don't need to do is reread letters from your husband written many years ago; try to get to know your husband through social networks from a fake account in order to re-attract his attention; call or write to her husband with demands, requests, entreaties, threats, etc.; withdraw into oneself, lie in bed for days, refuse food and show other signs of grief and apathy; destroy the things of the husband and turn children, grandchildren and acquaintances against him.
Divorce after 30, when you are still young, is one thing, but breaking up after so many years of marriage is another, and today we will discuss this in the women's club "Over 30". It would seem that thirty years of living together is quite an impressive baggage, but very often marriages break up. And in most cases, it is the woman who is pitied by everyone.
But, if you recall the famous quote by Faina Ranevskaya, it is clear to everyone what is hidden under even the most beautiful tail, and sometimes ex-wives do not perceive the gap as painfully as the malevolent environment would like. On the contrary, they bloom.
Of course, usually a woman who has lived with her husband for a long time thinks with fear about what will happen if they divorce. This is usually the case.
And a divorce after 30 years, when it seems that she has yet to meet “her” man, is a kind of attempt for a woman to correct a mistake in time and try her luck with another.
It is sad that some women who are already over 50 look at life after divorce as a sentence .. Now let's talk about the reasons.
We will not even consider the banal “we didn’t agree”. Let's try to dig deeper. And by the way - this explanation is more suitable for those who have been married for much less than thirty years.
Of course, there is also such a common reason: "gray hair in the head, ..." - then everyone knows very well. Yes, it happens.
For a man, especially if he has money, albeit small, it seems that he is like an expensive cognac, with age it only gets better. And he gets himself a passion half his age. Only now he does not understand that she is not able to appreciate his entire "bouquet", but looks only at the "price tag".
If it had been a moonshine bottled in 1964, it is unlikely that she would have coveted such a "drink". And we must pay tribute - many men eventually understand that with a young man they will not live the way they dreamed of. If the wife does not rush to divorce, perhaps he will return to the family. And after the breakup, when the ex-wife heals happily without him, she will start biting her elbows.
But here's another question - do you need it?
Sometimes a divorce after 30 years of marriage is brewing at the beginning of a life together, which is impossible to break. Parents think that it will be better for them, calmer. They live "for the sake of children" together - and this is the main tragedy of such families. Tension and mutual dislike are so "thick" in the air that it seems that you can take a knife and cut this atmosphere to pieces. But now the children grow up - "the project is completed." And people part.
Quantity vs. Quality
There are people who proudly say: "My parents have been married for 30 years already." One can only be sincerely happy if they have lived, as they say, in perfect harmony. And if you did, how did you serve your term, like in prison? Then after the end of this "term" divorce after 30 years of such ordeals and torments becomes like release from prison. At least roll up a tattoo as a keepsake and a feast!
And all because the number of years lived does not yet guarantee that they have been lived with high quality. And now we are not talking about what quality means without quarrels. Correct quarrels, on the contrary, only allow you to better understand each other, and this is not a reason to give up on living together.
Another thing is worse.
The spouses no longer receive, and it is possible that they never received joint pleasure. And it's not just about having regular sex. It is a myth that men are looking for exactly and only him on the side. Mistresses are sometimes given in order to share some joys that the spouse considers uninteresting. By the way, the opposite situation also happens: women have lovers.
In order to preserve the family and prevent a breakup after 30 years together, it is necessary to lay the "foundation" at the beginning of married life. Enjoy travel, family pursuits, or even yoga together. Just don't impose this pleasure on each other. Try to look for common ground - those amenities that will bring together, and not provoke a wave of dissatisfaction from someone else.
It also happens that in the process of family life one of the spouses "relaxes", settles down and becomes uninteresting not only for his partner, but also for himself. It doesn't develop. And the other, on the contrary, becomes a multifaceted personality.
There is a conflict of worldviews and views on how everything should happen in general. And then divorce after 30 years of marriage seems to be the right way out. But there is also a downside - perhaps, this development was facilitated by the wife (or helped by the spouse), being a reliable rear.
Of course, even today it is generally accepted that divorce is some kind of tragedy. And often people are held together by public opinion. No one wants condemnation, and although in fact an internal break occurred, outwardly the family still seems to exist. And the sad thing is that after all, a moment comes - a "bloody" point in a relationship, a "sawing off" of property, scandals and tears. Rarely do people manage to transfer a divorce after 30 on a calm note.
For those over 30 - a club for women after 30.
anonymously
My husband and I have lived for 30 years. He is 54 years old, I am 57, our son will soon be 28 years old (lives separately). We lived together. Loved each other. In mid-February, I began to notice that he was nervous, sleeping in fits and starts. I called him for a conversation. He said that he didn’t love me anymore and was thinking of leaving, but he had no one, I just didn’t give him that warmth and sex that he needed right now. I asked him to think, said that everything can be fixed (in December and January I had health problems, had constant headaches, had sex once a week, but now I was prescribed a special medication course, and everything worked out). He promised to think it over and left at the beginning of March on a business trip to Moscow. It so happened that 13 years ago, my husband, who works for a foreign company, was sent on a business trip to the UK for 2 years, and they turned into 13 years old. I quit my job, although then I earned more than my husband, I sold my apartment so that I had something to live and teach my son, became a housewife (my husband always dreamed of this), did all the routine work so that my husband could work calmly and do his hobby (he likes drawing). On March 10, when my husband was in Moscow, I accidentally (?) Received on my computer his Skype correspondence with a woman psychologist from Nizhny Novgorod. There were more than 300 pages of text. I read and died for 24 hours. It turned out they met through a dating site in mid-January. And already at the beginning of February, he began to call her to marry (she has been married for 25 years, her son is 24 years old, she is 48). I saw from the correspondence how his attitude towards me was changing. If at first there were doubts, then she inspired him that fate had deliberately brought them together, that nothing depended on them, that they had outgrown their previous partners. At the end of February, my husband already told her that out of 30 years of marriage, he was only happy for 2 years. There is a lot of conversation about sex in the correspondence. They had all their first dates scheduled (1st - 3 hours and no sex, 2nd - meeting at the hotel and what they would do there). My husband planned to tell me everything in September (at the end of August our son has a wedding) and leave. However, on the same day as me, the woman's husband also read their correspondence, and the events rolled like a snowball. My husband called me, said that he was leaving me, was staying in Moscow (he has an apartment where we are all registered) and wants an immediate divorce (this woman told him that she would not be his mistress, but only a wife). He wrote terrible letters to his son, in which he explained that he had cooled down emotionally towards me, that he no longer loved me, that he needed long, vivid sex, which I did not give him. Since we have a home in the UK, I insisted that he come home anyway. After our conversation, when I told him that I had read their correspondence, drew his attention to some inconsistencies in her stories and showed her Odnoklassniki page, where about 160 of her photographs were posted (and she repeatedly told him that she did not like to be photographed), he decided divorce according to local laws (with the consent of the spouses, you need to wait 1 year, having previously divided the property). I stayed at home for a week, launched the process of division of property. Constantly kept in touch with her via Skype. She sent him SMS every 30 minutes. There was such an impression that he was sitting on a needle in these conversations, absolutely did not want to understand that it was very painful for me to see all this. Arriving in Moscow, he immediately took her from Nizhny Novgorod (although they did not yet have normal sexual relations). Now he is starting his life anew. He left me all the property that is located in the UK (which means that I will have to deal with all the issues of selling the house myself), and does not want to come here anymore. I have a terrible depression, I have lost 8 kg, I cry all the time. The situation is complicated by the fact that 19 years ago he already left me. He was gone for 4 months, he lived with his parents. Then he came, said he loved and would never leave me again if I could forgive him. I forgave and never reminded him about it. Everything was fine ... until the beginning of this year. When I asked him what about his promise, he said that it was my own fault that I returned, because that woman turned out to be a fool. It's very difficult with my son. He does not want to see his father at the wedding, although I am trying to explain that the son grew up in a family where his parents loved each other and everything that he has in life is also the merit of his father. I can't figure it out, what should I do? On the one hand, everything that my husband has done is a betrayal (especially that he left in a foreign country), on the other hand, he is a dear person to me and I love him. When I saw him off, she said that he was still my husband (before the divorce) and could return. I'm waiting for him and it makes it even harder for me. I am going to Moscow in a week. I need to prepare some documents. We'll have to meet him. Dear Olga Sergeevna, please advise how I should be. All my friends consider me a strong woman, and now I have turned into a tearful old woman (although before that I always looked good, younger than my age). I want him to come back, but maybe these are just vain dreams. It seems to me that he is quite happy, and my hopes are only eating away at my soul. But at the same time, 30 years of living together is not a joke.
Hello. You write: "Please advise how I should be." I understand your feelings and understand your desire to receive advice on how you should be - but, alas! I cannot decide how you should be in this very difficult situation, because only you are the owner of your life. You want him to come back - this is very humanly understandable, very natural, because you still love him. And as long as there is hope that he can return, you will cherish her and wait for him. The fact that you are crying is not bad, because tears are helpers in the experience of loss and grief. You have lost the life that you had before these events, and this loss must be mourned. Perhaps now you feel disappointment in your husband, anger at him for his betrayal, fear for the future, despair from the inability to influence the situation and make him return - all these feelings have a right to exist and must be experienced. Nobody knows whether he will return or not, but the fact that you have forever lost the image of your relationship with your husband that you had before he left is obvious. Even if he returns, your relationship with him will be different. If you feel that it is very difficult for you to cope with all these feelings alone, visit a face-to-face consultation. It is unlikely that a psychologist will tell you what to do in this situation, because a professional psychologist avoids giving useless advice (and in this situation there is no recipe for avoiding suffering). A psychologist will help you not to follow the path of suppressing feelings (this is fraught with psychosomatic diseases), but along the path of finding the most effective way of expressing them for your health. I can assume that after reading your husband's correspondence with this woman, you have a well-founded distrust of psychologists, but in her place there could be a woman of a completely different profession. I regret that a representative of my profession has inflicted a spiritual wound on you.
After long years of marriage, the spouses are already planning their upcoming retirement, enjoying freedom from labor exploits. And suddenly - a crisis! What are the pitfalls of marriage during this period? Why is divorce becoming the norm after 30 years of marriage? What is the reason?
Any family will say: crises in marriage are frequent. For some, they come after three years, for others after five years, for others after ten. But it comes as a surprise to everyone when people decide to divorce after thirty or more years of marriage ...
Projects completed
If we consider the family as the minimum unit of society, we can see that each couple is engaged, relatively speaking, in project activities. Having and raising children is the longest project. It is rolled up when the children are on their feet, have received an education and began to earn their first money. The second project is the financial well-being of the family. Usually, by retirement age, people already have a dacha, an apartment, another one has been bought for one of the children. The third project is a career. As a rule, it is done by one of the family members, most often a man, and a woman "covers" the rear. She can also work, but her main business is children, family hearth, support of her husband. When people work on projects, they have no time to think about the vibrations of their souls, about what keeps them together. And if they even think about it, then, as a rule, they do not dare to ruin this "stable working enterprise."
After many years of living together, the thought of divorce, it would seem, covers the spouses unexpectedly. But if you start to understand, then you understand: joint projects are completed. The children grew up and flew out of the nest. The property is enough to calmly divide it and disperse to different corners. Often at this age, people die of parents, leaving behind an inheritance of additional housing. The career project has also been completed. A person has either achieved a consistently high level, where his business is already generating income without daily hard labor, or retired, having accumulated some capital, and is ready to do what he has secretly dreamed of all his life.
This is where the insidious thought emerges: “Why do I live? How will I spend my last years of a still quite vigorous and free life? Am I ready to spend time with this person every day, with whom nothing is connected? "
Desire to prolong youth
Men at this age, which is also called "the devil in the ribs", have a fear of losing their masculine strength. There is a lot of time, there is still strength, but little fire. By the way, women also have similar emotional somersaults.
An adult begins to yearn for his youth and suddenly meets another person, usually much younger, with whom he seems to be living his youth again. And if people also psychologically coincide, then often the feeling is born that he is the only partner destined by fate, whom I have been looking for all my life. Youth is known to be contagious. A young man nearby inspires and gives a feeling of his own "immortality". The plan of joint aging in the beds is canceled!
The situation is aggravated by the fact that often in adulthood, the search for meanings in men and women proceeds in completely different planes. For men, his achievements, connections, symbols of success and solvency become significant. For women - a spiritual quest. They begin to get involved in various psychological practices, correct thinking, a healthy lifestyle, yoga, Pilates, personal growth trainings, etc. If spouses do not discuss their discoveries with each other, they, in fact, begin to live two parallel lives.
Not everything is lost!
However, the completion of the main "projects" of the family is not always a sentence for her. Firstly, no one limits the number of projects, you can create and successfully implement new ones. Svetlana says: “After 28 years of marriage, my family almost fell apart. The husband had a young mistress on the side who was ready to give birth to his child. All his thoughts and money went there. Our joint children have grown up a long time ago, got families. And suddenly it turns out that the eldest son's wife began to get involved in drugs. The son worked on a rotational basis, for three to six months a year he was on long business trips. And in the arms of the unstable woman there were one-year-old twins, whom she left hungry for a day and went on a spree. So my husband and I have a new "project" - to save and raise our grandchildren. We adopted them and took them into the family as our own, the marriage stabilized. Another 10 years have passed, and there is no talk of divorce ”.
It is not only "projects" that can keep a family from falling apart. If people still have joint pleasures (hobbies, sports, sex, hiking, summer residence), then this is a solid foundation for the future. In addition, the joint growth of a man and a woman is important. If both do not stand still: they read, learn the world, exchange impressions, grow above themselves yesterday, gain wisdom and exchange experiences, then the family has another rib of rigidity. It is thanks to these "fasteners" that a couple can go through all age crises.
V 165
Promising does not mean getting married, and wanting a divorce does not mean getting a divorce. And despite the fact that two-thirds of partings nowadays take place on the initiative of a woman, not a man, this decision is given to us, oh, how difficult it is. The reason for everything is fears, pretty much flavored with modern divorce mythology. Here are just the most common divorce myths:
Myth: "I am already over 30, so the chances of remarriage are small, because the shift has already grown up - young girls from 18 and older, and I am not a competitor to them"
The roots of this myth are clear. 40 - 50 years ago, a woman who stepped over the bar at 30, really did not look the best way. She dressed in accordance with the then accepted fashion standards, emphasizing her "mature" age, and acted as if most of her life was left behind. Previously, almost all men after 30 years were married, and those who for some reason were not, aroused serious suspicion. A girl who did not marry before the age of 25 was considered an old maid, and not one who had given birth before this age was considered an old-born. But today, the period from 30 to 40 years old is considered the second phase of youth. Men now generally choose not to tie the knot before this age. And women, if they don't start their appearance, at 30 - 40 look more spectacular and sexier than at 20. It has long been not uncommon for people to make a career after 30, get a second higher education in their 40s, and radically change their lives around forty. From 30 to 40 years old, they create families and give birth to their first children - now this is normal. And an unsuccessful marriage at the age of 20 - 30 is considered a mistake of hasty youth, but not at all a disaster, as it once was. So what's stopping a divorced woman from starting from scratch after 30? Only my own laziness, complexes, inability to present oneself well, love for desserts and ... but more on that another time.
If I didn't have time111 to 35, then that's it?
I am 35, was in an official marriage (7 years), and in a civil marriage (3 years). After a civil marriage, all those complexes that were, increased significantly. I was recovering for almost two years. I worked with a psychologist, read literature, realized what is interesting for me to do in my life - I began to recover. Fans appeared. Somehow a new client appeared at work. We never saw each other, but we often talked about work, then I began to notice that he calls more and more often and is already talking not only about work. I have immunity to clients, so I was calm and communication with him did not cause me a storm of fantasies and emotions. Once he casually asked how old I was, to which I calmly replied: 35. There was a pause for a few seconds, and then a disappointed exclamation that we were almost the same age. I said that this is a great age, he mumbled something in response and disappeared, then another employee called from his company. I was not upset by his disappearance, on the contrary, I was glad for myself, but his reaction to my age made me think. I suddenly felt scared: no family, no children, give men partners up to 30. I fell into a stupor and cannot get out of it. I understand everything in my mind, but in my soul it is bad. I was completely discouraged. Ugly thoughts: if at a young age she could not arrange her personal life, then after 35 and even more so. So how to start living with this "discovery"? (Irina, 35 years old)
Myth: "Our family is going through a typical crisis, we need to be patient, and everything will work out."
This is only true if both spouses still feel that they will be better off together than apart. If the desire to remain a couple is strong for both, and the "crisis" in the relationship does not touch upon such slippery topics as marital fidelity and infidelity. The temporary absence of a common goal, common cause, common views on future life can be gradually compensated for, but the loss of trust caused by betrayal, betrayal - never. In the first case, even divorce will not become the final chord: repeated marriages between the same spouses are no longer exotic, and divorce in such families is one of the methods of shock therapy of relationships. But the opposite often happens: in an attempt to "wait out" the crisis, the husband and wife bring themselves to complete hatred for each other, and the divorce inevitably following this event becomes more like not a civilized separation of two adults, but more like military actions of inadequate adolescents.
Do I need to leave the family if love has passed?
They lived with my husband for 20 years. Have a son. This year I entered the university. For twenty years there has been a lot: both joy and problems. But lately there has been a feeling of alienation between us. I have a feeling that we both stopped loving each other. And, most importantly, you don't want to do anything to return the relationship. I want to leave and start a new life. What is this - gray hair in a beard, a devil in a rib? (Katerina, 45 years old)
Myth: "I want to keep my family together for the sake of the children."
Alas, this occupation is meaningless and even harmful. Sociologists from different countries have long and irrefutably proven that the most important thing for a child is attention from the parents. It does not matter where exactly mom and dad live, it is important - do they remember about the child, how much time they really spend with him ("real" means exactly the time spent on the child, and not on staying in the same room with him), do they like him and whether they talk to him about love. As a rule, parents who live together only for the sake of their children are more fixated on their own complex relationships, it is difficult for them to cooperate with each other in matters concerning children, and manifestations of love for each other are completely reduced to zero. Do not underestimate your child: the intuition developed at a young age will unmistakably tell him that mom and dad have "something wrong", not as it should be normal. This will not make your child happier, and even instill the wrong model of behavior in the future family life.
How to get away from a good husband?
I am married with two senior school children. For more than a year now I have loved another man (this is not a whim: a time-tested feeling!), With whom I would like to live the rest of my life. He is waiting for my decision, he is ready to support my children in every possible way ... But his conscience torments: how to leave her husband, in general, a good man who loves his father? How can you explain your behavior to children? I understand that my departure will be a shock to my loved ones, but I really want to be happy, love and be loved, and I am sure (I will not describe all the events that confirm my confidence in my beloved - it will take a lot of space and time) that I can do it better with another person than with my husband ... What if I love another? Sacrifice your personal life and stay in the family for the peace of your children and husband? But the children will grow up, they will live their own lives, and I will no longer have the opportunity to live with a loved one if I don't go to him now ... (Galina, 39 years old)
Myth: "Such husbands do not roll on the road" (you will not find another like this)
The first person from whom a woman who almost decided to divorce hears this phrase is mom. Or another, necessarily "wise with life experience" lady, in her words, wishing well. Evaluating your partner from their bell tower, people forget that no matter how wonderful a person is, all his dignities are reduced to zero in the face of one gross, homely truth: you do not love him. Imagine being offered, for example, a piece of chocolate cake, praising its taste, and you do not like chocolate, you are so strange - you don’t like chocolate or you are allergic to it. So what joy do you have that this cake is a masterpiece of culinary art? Others are delighted with him, and to you he is like a bone in your throat. So it is with her husband. Just because he's amazingly good doesn't mean he and you are made for each other. On the contrary, the sooner you give each other freedom, the more chances that you will meet your mate on time. There are so many people on earth - do you really still believe that it is for you that out of the billions of different men the right one is not "lying around"?
I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life ...
She got married because of a very big love. Two years later, the intensity of emotions subsided, and I realized that I had made a mistake: there was a very good person next to me, but absolutely not my person. We absolutely did not coincide in anything. I decided to divorce, but my husband thought that I was bored and began to insist on the child. My family supported him. I convinced myself that they were all right and made a deliberate effort to get pregnant. When I was already at the goal, an accident happened to me, which forever deprived me of the opportunity to have children. My husband, mine and his family were very upset with me and very supportive of me. And then my husband began to treat me like an insensitive multifunctional robot. I understand that his hopes for a happy family life did not come true with me. Nevertheless, he does not want to divorce me. We exist together on the same living space, like in a communal apartment, in which there is a fierce emotional cold and psychological discomfort (at least for me). I decided to file for divorce myself. And then my entourage - family and friends - screamed in one voice: “You will divorce him and you will remain alone for life. Now you will not find good men with fire during the day. And even more free. And yours is good and decent. " And now, on the one hand, I am suffocated by the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, and on the other hand, by the fear of living my whole life in emotional and psychological discomfort. And I don't know what to do ... (Lyalya, 37 years old)
Myth: "A woman with a child has few chances to arrange a personal life."
Perhaps this myth is the biggest evil for insecure and unhappy women in marriage. It is because of him that women, wiping away their tears, endure tyrant husbands, drunken husbands, loser husbands and traitorous husbands. The fear of being left alone forever, with a child who “needs a father”, makes such women maintain the appearance of marriage. The main harm of this myth is the loss of time, or, figuratively speaking, the “loss of youth” around an unworthy man. For the most part, sooner or later, divorce still occurs, but the bitter residue of regret “for the years spent aimlessly” remains forever. Meanwhile, this myth is a devilish invention designed to make a woman fear divorce. In fact, there are no statistics that would indicate that divorced women with children are less likely than childless women to arrange their personal lives again. For your information, sociological studies show that a step-child is an obstacle in creating a family with a beloved woman only for 7% of previously unmarried and 5% of divorced men. And the rest agree to marry their beloved "complete" with children. Moreover, it is much easier for a man to become a loving father to a step-child than for a woman to fall in love with someone else's child. This is due to the fact that the roots of maternal and paternal love grow on different soil. The mother loves the child on a biological, subconscious level. For the emergence of fatherly feelings for a man, he must be given the opportunity to take care of the child, communicate with him, and take care of him. This love is conditional, therefore it is easily “trainable” in everyday life, in contrast to the mother's. A fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it: remember how many evil stepmothers are in old fairy tales, and at the same time there are practically no evil stepfathers.
By the way, keep in mind that having a child is an excellent "filter" that filters out the majority of frivolous suitors. This saves a lot of time and emotions.
Are children an insurmountable obstacle?
I have been divorced for several years. From my first marriage, I have two wonderful and beloved children. For more than three years after the divorce, I did not meet with anyone, lived without thinking about it at all, studied, worked, raised children. Time passed, and I began to get out of my own shell. But something doesn't work out at all on my personal front. Started meeting with a work colleague. But he is married. And I do not want to get married, but I would like a normal relationship with a free man, I do not want to be a mistress. We parted. I met at a flirting party (these are held in Moscow, for those who are over ...) with an attractive man. First, he said that he was divorced and had two children. We started dating, a month passed, and he confessed to me that he was married. He says that everything is practically over there, but I know how it happens. I tried to get to know each other on the site, began to correspond, agreed to meet in a cafe with one man. He also wrote that he did not live with his wife. So at an introductory dinner, he admitted that he was also married. “With you,” he told me, “none of the free men will date. Who needs you with two children ?! " But I don’t want to just hang around a man’s neck. I am financially independent, I have many friends and different interests, I have a favorite job and, most importantly, I have favorite children. But I want to find a loved one. Are my children really an insurmountable obstacle ?! (Maria, 33 years old)
Myth: "All men are the same, there is no point in changing an awl for soap"
A common generalization error. We owe this myth to television, followed by the Internet. Reading numerous stories on women's forums, one can really come to the following conclusion: all men cheat, lie, hide income from their families, find “younger” ... communities and comes to participate in questionable talk shows? That's right - those who have problems. It is not customary to share happiness with us. You won't go to a forum for hepatitis patients if you don't have one? And even if you go, you will not open the topic “And everything is fine with me. I'm healthy! “That's right, it would look like a mockery of the rest. But reading the messages of other people, you can easily make the false conclusion that there are much fewer healthy people than sick people. Does this correspond to reality? No. You just got into the social circle of people suffering from hepatitis, others do not communicate there, and this is the whole secret. On women's forums, the same effect is present: the longer you read other people's sad stories, the more you become convinced that “all men are cool…” And completely undeservedly equal millions of adult men about whom you know nothing.
Why, then, do so many women step on the same rake twice? Because they themselves choose these: over and over again from a variety of explicit and implicit options, modeling their own behavior according to the same scenario, they attract the same type of "bad guy". If a woman likes bastard men, that doesn't mean they are all like that. This means that she CHOOS those. And this is a topic for a completely different conversation, preferably one-on-one with a psychologist.
Got pregnant from another rag guy
I am 38, I have a sixteen-year-old son who was raised alone (my father ran away when the child was not yet born), now I am pregnant with a man with whom I had a relationship, as they say, "without obligations", he loves me very much, but I do not, but I can’t decide to have an abortion, now it’s 10 weeks, it’s still possible to make it, but my gut is against it, I want this child, but I don’t imagine my father in our common life, lovers are one thing, parents, family is another ... me just hormonal changes make themselves felt, but before pregnancy, I did not consider him as a spouse, I did not consider a serious relationship with him at all. In addition, he does nothing so that I can be at least a little confident in him - no, he is not against the child, he will have this firstborn. He just doesn't work now, doesn't really think about where we will live, how and for what, he rents an apartment, but I don’t agree to live with me, I live in the same room with my son, and there is no way to turn around, in another - my mother … Perhaps my independence affects - I occupy a high position, all my life I rely only on myself, the men that I had were all rags, I could only rely on myself, and the father of my second child is no exception. I got confused. Maybe from the outside the situation does not look so terrifying, but now I don’t know what to do ... (Valeria, 38 years old)
Myth: "Divorce is a very difficult and painful process, which is difficult to decide on."
Yes, divorce is never easy. Whoever initiated it, at first it is difficult for both parties. You need to prepare yourself for this morally and treat what is happening philosophically: after all, in fact, this is just a short life stage, so short that a little time will pass, and it will become a small point on the map of your history. It's like a nasty cure for a protracted illness: you can refuse it, saying that you cannot swallow it, and thereby dooming yourself to many years of illness, or you can pinch your nose and take a sip. Perhaps at this moment it will become disgusting to nausea, but in a few days you will be healthy. A failed marriage is a disease that ruins the lives of both partners. Divorce is a cure. You can give it up for fear of experiencing inevitable unpleasant moments, or you can “swallow” it and give yourself a chance for a new, healthy life.
How can you gain confidence in your decision to leave?
My problem is trivial. I grew up in a family with an alcoholic parent. My father, when sober, very kind, caring person. He never punished me, never beat me. But when he drinks, he becomes disgusting, gets tired of talking, yells, swears, morally terrorizes ... I married a man who drinks a little, and if he drinks, he behaves calmly and goes to bed. That was fine with me. He is caring, provides us with everything, me and the child. Loves us. We have been married for 1 year, before that we had known each other for two years. The child is 6 months old. Recently I started to notice that he smokes marijuana. There was a shock. Stoned, he is non-aggressive. On the contrary, in a good mood. But he cannot maintain a good mood without grass. Scandals began, he breaks down because of little things. He says, if I get divorced, he will take the child. I am very afraid of this. I love the child and I cannot give him up. We decided to encode it, but I'm afraid it won't solve anything. The thought has ripened in my head to leave, I think how to get a job and find an apartment. The question is: how not to go back. My relatives will begin to say that I have ruined my family, he earns very well, loves the child, others live worse ... Secondly, I am afraid to be left alone, who needs someone else's child. Thirdly, it is very easy for me to impose a sense of guilt, responsibility, duty. And fourthly, all of a sudden, I alone will not be able to organize life from scratch. How can you gain confidence in your decision to divorce? (Anna, 28 years old)
Myth: "Loneliness is terrible, and a divorced woman is an outcast."
Do you remember the story about half a glass of water? For some it is half empty, for others it is half full. For one woman, divorce is followed by loneliness. For the other, freedom. One woman becomes isolated on her problems, everyday life, children, continues to "run in circles", adjusted for the absence of her husband. Another begins to realize something for which she had neither the strength nor the time in marriage. One regrets herself and her past, looking for support and consolation in the conversations of her friends (who once get bored with all this and they begin to tactfully, but purposefully move away from the unfortunate divorced girlfriend). The other puts the past in the archive, makes new acquaintances, a new hobby, prettier, which surprises others and even girlfriends a lot. What is the secret of such a different approach to life after a divorce? The answer is simple: the secret is hidden in love.
A modern woman is quite capable of living without the love of a man. But without self-love, she is doomed. And it is this love that is most difficult to give. But only she can start the process of "regeneration", the revival of a woman from the ashes on the ruins of an unsuccessful marriage.
Poverty, hopelessness and loneliness await me ...
We have been married for 12 years. When I got married, I was already graduating from university, and my husband had an ordinary working profession. For a long time he worked in a boring, uninteresting job and was constantly unhappy with this. But he also did nothing to change something. I sometimes persuaded, then scandals, but forced him to learn. And, apparently, she paved her way to hell. For a year now he has been working in his chosen specialty and continues to study. He likes everything very much, he literally "flies". He is almost never at home. And when he is at home, his mobile practically never stops. A few months ago, it was like a wall rose between us. I tried to find out what was the matter, but my husband was silent for a long time. And more recently he admitted that he loved another, that he had only trust and affection for me. And now he wants to rent an apartment and leave. I'm shocked! And I was overwhelmed by fear. Lately, I have not had much luck with work and income. My husband is doing well with this, thank God. I understand that if he leaves, then I will be left all alone. We do not have children (my health does not allow me to give birth, and there is simply no money for adoption: we have it very expensive), there are no normal incomes now (and it is not known when they will be). Life is brightened by a hobby and a cat. I understand that I need to let my husband go. My question is this: how to cope with feelings of hopelessness, fear of loneliness and fear of poverty? (Alena, 35 years old)
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